from Good Housekeeping Treasury
Mrs. Dugan's Discovery
by Ellis Parker Butler
One of the favorite features of the early Good Housekeeping was its "Discoveries," a department contributed entirely by housewives who wrote in their original household hints. In April 1905, the editors gave a dinner for some of its contributors at the Hotel Astor in New York, and Ellis Parker Butler wrote this "discovery" for the occasion. It made such a hit with readers that it has been reprinted repeatedly in Good Housekeeping and its popularity has far outlasted that of the department that inspired it.
Butler, one of the most indefatigable and durable of American humorists, is best known for Pigs Is Pigs, which for many years sold in the millions.
Wan day whin Oi was afther rummagin' in me cellar, Oi found wan dozen champagne bottles goin' t' waste, an' 'twas a pity t' see thim go t' waste. Oi tuck a look at thim an' Oi seen they was all in good condition, excipt they was full av champagne-wather. Puttin' th' twilve bottles t' wan soide, Oi went inta th' back yar-r-d, where th' grapevine do be, an' from th' grapevine Oi tuck wan av thim long curly tendrils. A frind av mine so happened t' be th' prisidint av th' United States Steel company, an' Oi sint him th' long curly tendril from th' grapevine, and Oi said, "Wud he mek me a duplicate av it in timpered steel?" Shure, he was glad t' accommydate me, because wance me old man was afther buyin' a share av steel stock from him whin no wan seemed t' want anny.
'Twas not six weeks whin Oi resayved back from th' prisidint av th' steel trust th' timpered steel imitation av th' curly tendril av th' grapevine.
Onta th' upper ind av this, an' crossways, 'twas no thrick at all t' fix a clothespin. Oi thin pressed th' sharp point av th' lower ind av th' steel tendril inta th' cork av wan of th' champagne bottles, an' twisted th' tendril around. Thin, by pullin' sharp upward on th' clothespin, an' at th' same time houldin' th' bottle toight betwane me knees -- which Oi had covered wid rosin to prevint th' bottle slippin' -- Oi drew out th' cork.
Oi laid th' cork t' wan soide an' emptied th' contints av th' bottle down th' drain, excipt wan small tumblerful, which Oi drank.
Oi thin removed th' cork from another bottle, an' emptied th' contints down th' drain, excipt a small tumblerful, which Oi also drank.
Oi thin removed th' cork from another bottle, an' emptied th' contints down th' drain, excipt a small tumblerful, which Oi drank.
Oi thin removed another bottle from th' cork an' emptied th' drain down th' contints, excipt a small tumblerful, which Oi drank.
Oi thin removed -- another drain from th' contints -- and -- and emptied th' small cork down th' tumblerful, excipt a bottle -- which Oi drank.
Oi thin bottled another small remove -- from th' tumbler -- excipt a small corkful -- which Oi drained -- an' contentsed th' drank down th' bottle.
Oi thin tankled a bump from 'nother dottle an' -- Oi mean Oi dunkled a tump from 'nother copple -- you see, me frind, Oi mean Oi drankled a kump -- Oi mean Oi cackled a -- Oi mean Oi conkled -- Oi -- Oi -- well, annyhow, Oi did it t' all thim twilve bottles.
Thim bottles was now all impty, an' Oi steadied th' house wid wan hand an' counted th' bottles wid th' other. There was twinty-siven left out av th' dozen! Thin Oi got me scrubbin' brush an' a pail av wather t' clane th' bottles, but t' me surprise Oi found Oi cu'd not git th' brush inta th' neck av th' bottles. Oi therefore turned th' twinty-siven bottles wrong side out, an' scrubbed thim well, an' turned thim roight side out agin.
Be this toime th' house was revolvin' rapid, an' Oi sot on th' floor an' counted th' bottles as they wint by. There was sixty-four av thim. Oi clumb t' th' kitchen table an' produced out av the' drawer th' can opener, on th' hind legs av which was a glass cutter. Oi crept back carefully t' th' bottles, and seated mesilf in th' cinter av thim, and thim goin' round me continuous. By pritindin' indifference t' thim, an' springin' at thim whin they was off their gyuard, Oi was able t' catch thim wan at a toime. Whin Oi had thus caught a bottle Oi held it firmly down -- by lyin' on it -- an' wid th' glass cutter Oi cut off th' bottom an' th' neck av it. These Oi put t' wan soide, an' what remained av th' bottle made an excellent lamp chimney.
Whin Oi counted thim, Oi found Oi hed sivinty-two!
