How to Raise Children
by Ellis Parker Butler
How to raise his children is quite a little problem with the parent these days. One good way, when the child holds two jacks and two queens, is to have three aces in your hand. You then say, "I see you and raise you two chips, you bobbed-haired little skeezicks!"
For the very young child alligator milk is not advised, as it is apt to produce scales on the epidermis. Another good reason for not feeding the child alligator milk is that alligators do not give milk. Speaking by and large and as one parent to another, I may say that alligators not only do not give milk but do not give much of anything else, not even a cuss. For the very young child cow's milk should be used, the milk being inserted into the child at the opening in the face where the teeth will be later. If difficulty is found in finding this opening a pin can be stuck into the child almost anywhere and the face will open and noises will issue forth. The noises can then be laid to one side and the milk poured into the opening.
It is best to secure the milk from a rusty-red cow. The rusty-red on the cow is caused by iron in the system and a portion of the iron trickles down into the milk and thence into the child, causing rich red blood. Do not use milk from a pale cow or the child will be pale and cosmetics will have to be resorted to.
For twins two cows are necessary and a red ribbon should be tied around one cow and a blue one around the other, thus avoiding the serious calamity of getting the milk mixed and thus feeding this milk to that twin and that milk to this twin, or vice versa, as the case may be. If two cows cannot be obtained one twin can be given to a neighbor.
Never mingle the milk from two cows together as this creates cottage cheese. If the child seems anemic try the milk of a calf and if all else fails goat's milk should be given. For female children the milk of the female goat is the best; for male children the best milk is that of the female goat also. Be careful not to select a sour goat as sour goats give sour milk. Sour milk is the commonest cause of rabies in small children, leading to octogenarianism and senile fundamentalism. If these appear the child should be sprayed with some good insecticide, given a fresh coat of varnish and the spark plugs examined.
At about four years the child's education should be begun, and it should be taught bridge, mixing the simpler cocktails, rudimentary necking, the commoner Charleston steps and some of the more useful slang. It should be shown a frankfurter while the words "Hot dog! Hot dog!" are repeated. In an amazingly short time the child will have a vocabulary fitting it to mingle in what is now called Society, God help us!
Should the child about this time seem to develop any of the finer instincts these should at once be removed with a corkscrew and the vacuum thus created should be filled instantly with Bacardi rum.
In bathing the child, a porcelain tub should be used and this should be filled with wine. Until the child is two years old root beer may be substituted for the wine, but 30 percent of wood alcohol should be used with this.
If these directions are followed the child, whether male or female, will grow up into a strong, virulent man or woman able to cry "Shorter and thinner skirts!" and dance on tables. All that need be done then is send the child to college and arrange with some good trust company to furnish bail when required.