Welcome to www.EllisParkerButler.Info SIGN-IN
HOME BIOGRAPHY BIBLIOGRAPHY READING ROOM
Welcome to www.EllisParkerButler.Info, the best place on the Internet to find information about the life and work of Ellis Parker Butler, American humorist and author.

Reading Room

"Appropriate Telephone Numbers" from Judge

by Ellis Parker Butler
text only format text only  printer friendly format printer friendly

  • Judge (January, 1938)   "Appropriate Telephone Numbers"   Humor. Reprinted from March 4, 1911 in a 12-page feature "THE JUDGE ALBUM 188l-1938" featuring the previously published work of James Montgomery Flagg, Carolyn Wells, Mark Twain, Ellis Parker Butler. p 32.  [EPBLIB]

from Judge
Appropriate Telephone Numbers
by Ellis Parker Butler

Speaking of telephone numbers, a good number for a cigar dealer would be 2-4-5, and a cheap suburban sport might as well be 4 Flushing as anything else. An Irishman wishing to dine would naturally call up a place 2-8, but a Hinglishman 'aving to call up a blarsted, bloomin' creditor regarding a bill would '8-2.

A lover ordering a chair would want 1-4-2, and a newly wed couple wishing a flat would want 1-4-2-2; but the German maiden refusing to marry would shout 9-9-9-9! (Oh, how clever!)

If you want to borrow you wish 4-2-0, and probably that is a moneylender's number; but if you only want a small loan from a friend you will wish 2-0-5. (That's pretty cute! What?)

The bookmaker should have two 'phones—9-2-1 for long shots and 4-2-5 for favorites. The man with a dog might call 6-6-6-6—(get that?)—and the farmer should put 8-0 on his list.

If two horses were in the running and 1-1-5-4 John, he would be a happy lad and his smile would be 2-2 Broad. (This is one I 8-2 Spring on you.) And if John spent the cash for liquor, I would cry 5-5-5-4 John! But that is just how careless John is. His drinking is Hades for his wife, but it's 7-4 John. (What, ho!)

(Honestly, I could keep this up all night!) If two of you wished to be wed, you would not have 2-8-4 Spring, because you could call 4-1 Rector to make you one immediately; and then, if tired of being united in one, you could go to a fat judge and let that 1-2 Broad-party-W again. (If you can't see that, ask for Information.)


BACK TO READING ROOM



HOME  |  BIOGRAPHY  |  BIBLIOGRAPHY  |  COVER ART  |  PERIODICALS  |  READING ROOM
ABOUT THIS SITE  |  FOOTNOTES  |  RESOURCES  |  PIGS IS PIGS  |  CONTACT US

Saturday, October 07 at 1:12:12am USA Central
This web site is Copyright © 2006 by the ANDMORE Companies. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Images for viewing only. All copyrights remain with the holder. No covers or publications for sale.
www.EllisParkerButler.Info is a research project of the ANDMORE Companies, Houston TX USA.