Appropriate Telephone Numbers
by Ellis Parker Butler
Speaking of telephone numbers, a good number for a cigar dealer would be 2-4-5, and a cheap suburban sport might as well be 4 Flushing as anything else. An Irishman wishing to dine would naturally call up a place 2-8, but a Hinglishman 'aving to call up a blarsted, bloomin' creditor regarding a bill would '8-2.
A lover ordering a chair would want 1-4-2, and a newly wed couple wishing a flat would want 1-4-2-2; but the German maiden refusing to marry would shout 9-9-9-9! (Oh, how clever!)
If you want to borrow you wish 4-2-0, and probably that is a moneylender's number; but if you only want a small loan from a friend you will wish 2-0-5. (That's pretty cute! What?)
The bookmaker should have two 'phones—9-2-1 for long shots and 4-2-5 for favorites. The man with a dog might call 6-6-6-6—(get that?)—and the farmer should put 8-0 on his list.
If two horses were in the running and 1-1-5-4 John, he would be a happy lad and his smile would be 2-2 Broad. (This is one I 8-2 Spring on you.) And if John spent the cash for liquor, I would cry 5-5-5-4 John! But that is just how careless John is. His drinking is Hades for his wife, but it's 7-4 John. (What, ho!)
(Honestly, I could keep this up all night!) If two of you wished to be wed, you would not have 2-8-4 Spring, because you could call 4-1 Rector to make you one immediately; and then, if tired of being united in one, you could go to a fat judge and let that 1-2 Broad-party-W again. (If you can't see that, ask for Information.)